Category: LGBTQ

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LGBTQ

We’re Here. We’re Queer. We’re Statistically Significant.

A new Gallup report says that 5.6% of Americans now identify as LGBTQ. That number is significant for two reasons: First, it equates to 1.8 million people1; and, second, it’s a sizable increase from the 3.5% reported in Gallup’s first report nine years ago.

Many people will be tempted to look at this report and infer that there are more LGBTQ people in the country than ever before. While I can’t claim anything with absolute certainty, I’m willing to bet that this conclusion is wrong. The much more likely scenario is that the percentage of LGBTQ people in this country has been constant over time, and what we’re witnessing is an increase in people willing to disclose their sexual orientation and gender identity.

The reason for this trend, I think, is destigmatization. To wit:

  • There are many positive depictions of LGBTQ people on teevee and in movies
  • Public figures freely talk about their sexual orientation and gender identity
  • Young people are coming out of the closet early — in fact, I don’t think some of them ever spend any time in the closet!
  • Marriage equality has normalized same-sex relationships
  • Admired companies (such as Apple, Google, and Microsoft) have demonstrated a commitment to LGBTQ equality
  • Mainstream society is recognizing the inherent falsehoods in anti-LGBTQ viewpoints and condemning anti-LGBTQ actions

As time goes on, I’m sure we’ll see the number of people identifying as LGBTQ increase. That’s a good thing. It means more people are living openly, proudly, and authentically.


1 That’s 4½ times the entire population of Tampa.

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LGBTQ

A Clown in a Gown

Here’s a video of Bianca del Rio’s opening and closing segments at last night’s Drive N’ Drag show in Tampa. It is distasteful and disrespectful and you’ll be a better person if you don’t watch it.1


1 The person laughing uproariously in the background is me.

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LGBTQ Married Life

The Utter Banality of Same-Sex Marriage

I’ve seen a lot of diverse couples on teevee recently, especially in ads. This is amazing, I thought, because social change happens more quickly when people see examples of diversity in entertainment. In the ’90s, many people met their first gay friends on Will & Grace. Similarly, today, many people might be seeing their first diverse couples in detergent commercials. Positive portrayals precede progress.

It was only recently — in the past week or so — that I realized that the Complimentary Spouse and I are one of those diverse couples. It seems so obvious in hindsight, but it honestly didn’t dawn on me.

On a daily basis, I give virtually no thought to being part of a same-sex couple. It just doesn’t occur to me. Here’s what occupies my mind:

I wasn’t always this unmindful of being part of a same-sex couple. Britt and I met in 2002 and married in 2008. Things were much different back then. We were challenged at car rental counters when we tried to add me as a spouse to the rental agreement. We were given dirty looks when we got to hotel check-in desks and requested a room with a king-size bed. When we registered for wedding gifts, we were told at one high-end home furnishing store that we would have to register as a bride and groom because that’s how their computer system was configured. We walked out.1

These events, and hundreds more just like them, were constant reminders that we were different. As such, it was hard to forget that our relationship wasn’t like everyone else’s.

Today, it’s rare when someone reminds us that we’re unlike other couples. The other day, we were apart in Target, and a clerk asked me if he could help me find something. “Yes, my husband,” I said. Now that I’m thinking about these issues as I write this blog post, it’s possible to consider a statement like that to be political, declaratory, and assertive. But at the time, it was just a cute rejoinder.

The only time we’re treated differently as a same-sex couple is in restaurants when servers ask if we want one check or two. Do they ask opposite-sex couples wearing wedding rings if they prefer separate checks? Every single time? My hunch is no.2

Diverse couples on teevee represent a significant step forward for our society because they legitimize and destigmatize relationships that are, well, let’s face it, just as ordinary as mine. We can eventually get to a place where diverse couples are so mundane they don’t earn a second glance. And that, my friends, is an exciting prospect.


1 They called their corporate office, figured out a work-around, and tracked us down, so we did register there. Thanks for the plates, silverware, glasses, serving platters, and gravy boat, everyone! 
2 When a server brings us a check without offering to split it, we automatically increase the tip. 

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LGBTQ

Some Companies Are Doing Great Things. Don’t Call it “Virtue Signaling.”

I don’t like the term “virtue signaling” in the business world because it’s often used by conservatives to dismiss the efforts of organizations trying make a positive impact. 

Let’s look at Apple. Today, it announced its plans for Black History Month: a limited-edition Black Unity Apple Watch and efforts to highlight Black contributions in music, literature, television, movies, podcasts, and app development. That means we’re due for another round of “virtue signaling” complaints from the usual suspects. They’ll call it hollow grandstanding, a cheap money grab, a publicity stunt, a surrender to political correctness — you get the idea.

I don’t subscribe to these dubious interpretations. That’s because I think these products and initiatives from Apple aren’t for show. They’re the natural results from a company that has made diversity and inclusion moral imperatives. What we’re seeing is virtue, not virtue signaling.

Why do I think the Black History Month efforts are genuine? Because I’ve seen how Apple has demonstrated its commitment to the LGBTQ community. Looking just at the LGBTQ products they produce — rainbow watch faces and bands1 — might lead you to believe that Apple is trying to make a quick buck for Pride month. But is that really the case? No. Here’s what Apple does for the LGBTQ community:

  • 100% score on the Human Rights Campaign Equality Index
  • Corporate-backed LGBTQ affinity group
  • Donations to GLSEN, PFLAG, Trevor Project, Gender Spectrum, National Center for Transgender Equality, and more
  • Numerous amicus briefings supporting LGBTQ equality in lawsuits
  • “Visible: Out on Television” documentary on Apple TV+

These are good things. If your company is doing all this behind the scenes, these types of LGBTQ+ products and services are an authentic expression of your values. 

I’ve used Apple as an example, but they’re not alone. I’ve noticed Target selling Black History Month T-shirts and promoting products from Black-owned businesses. That’s entirely in character, considering Target committed $10 million to racial justice initiatives last year. The story is similar at Etsy — it’s not surprising when a company donating $1 million to Black-led justice reform organizations opens a Black History Month section. And I don’t think I need to elaborate on Nike’s relationship with Colin Kaepernick.

I’ve only scratched the surface of this conversation. Some additional thoughts:

  • This is part of a much bigger discussion about corporate ethics and morality. There are reasons to praise many of these companies, but they are far from perfect. Apple does business in companies that are hostile to LGBTQ people. And while Nike is saying all the right things in the United States, how is it (and its suppliers) treating workers in other countries?
  • Let’s not be naive: Many companies pay lip service to progressive issues of importance to their customers. But I still think the word “virtue signaling” is the wrong term to use in these cases. Instead of disregarding what these businesses are saying, we should work to get them to put their money where their mouths are.
  • As laudable as these initiatives are, we should recognize that they’re not entirely altruistic. These companies know that their actions earn them goodwill and publicity, which can have a positive impact on the bottom line.


1 Of course I own a Pride band for my Apple Watch. Did you even have to ask?

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LGBTQ Married Life Travel & Food

Remembering Our Last Trip to D.C.

All the news out of Washington, D.C., reminds me of the last trip the Complimentary Spouse and I took to the nation’s capital. We participated in the National Pride March and caught up with some friends and family members. Here’s a quick review:

While the 2017 trip to Washington was fun, it was also an act of resistance. The next trip won’t be. And that’s a reason to celebrate today.

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Entertainment LGBTQ

The Birdcage: Some Thoughts 25 Years Later

I have been thinking about the Birdcage, the 1996 film starring Robin Williams1 and Nathan Lane, since someone mentioned it at work a few days ago. I hadn’t reflected on the film since it came out 25 years ago, and I was surprised to realize how much I resent it now.

Why am I surprised? Because I loved it when I saw it! I remember roaring with laughter in the movie theater. Some scenes — like the one where Robin Williams choreographs a dance number — are comedy classics. (Fosse! Fosse! Fosse!) And even though I haven’t seen this film in decades, I vividly remember the opening credits, with a seamless shot that started in the Atlantic and ended up inside an Ocean Drive nightclub. How’d they do that?

But here’s what really made the film special: In 1996, I was in the process of coming out. I think I was still talking to a psychologist about it, and I hadn’t said anything to friends, family, and work colleagues. It was validating to see gay people on the big screen, especially a gay couple that wasn’t beset by tragedy.2 There was a real sense of joy and celebration. It was exactly what I needed at the time.

But, in 2021, all I can do is cringe when I remember the Birdcage. Much of the humor comes from stereotypes — especially those about effeminate gay men. I have no issue with effeminacy3, and I don’t like how the Birdcage treats it as a joke instead of validating it. At least Nathan Lane’s purse-carrying character has a tiny bit of depth. Hank Azaria’s character, Agador Spartacus, is nothing more than a mincing punchline.4

Am I being too harsh about the Birdcage? Yes, I probably am. It’s a comedy, and comedy sometimes works best when it’s painted with broad strokes. But the Birdcage doesn’t challenge us to think about stereotypes. It just plays them for laughs. That was OK in 1996, when I was craving any kind of representation in popular culture. Today, it just makes me uncomfortable. 

Now that I’m thinking about it, I suppose my disappointment today over the Birdcage is that it was one of the few films from my coming-out years that celebrated LGBTQ characters at the time. Compare it with Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, which got cheap laughs by ridiculing a trans woman (who, surprise surprise, also turns out to be the villain).

Certainly, many films haven’t held up over time. The Birdcage is one of them. I’ll always be grateful for what it meant to me 25 years ago. I’m uncomfortable with it today, but perhaps that’s a good thing. It’s a reminder that culture has evolved beyond one-dimensional depictions of LGBTQ people. 


1 Rest in peace
2 Happy endings in gay films were practically unheard of at the time. Google “Bury Your Gays.”
3 In fact, I salute effeminate gay men. They’re braver than those who hide behind toxic masculine façades.5
4 This is yet another example of a gay character played by a straight actor. That means the role was stolen from a gay actor, and Azaria had no personal frame of reference for his portrayal.
5 I’m not sure where I fit on this spectrum. I sometimes wear my rainbow unicorn T-shirt while watching hockey. 

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LGBTQ

Yo No Estoy Llorando. Tú Estas Llorando.

Comida chatarra. Mensaje maravilloso.

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LGBTQ

“That’s Not Who I Am”

Out: “Top Golfer, Justin Thomas, Uses ‘Inexcusable’ Homophobic Slur”

Ever notice that anytime something like this happens, the first response is “that’s not who I am.” Actually, it is who you are. Your character is revealed by what you do when you think no one’s listening, not when you’re in the spotlight with a mic pressed into your face.