Category: Married Life

🏳️‍🌈 Obergefell Turns Nine. Yawn.

Post author By Dave
Post date June 26, 2024

Today’s the ninth anniversary of Obergefell vs. Hodges, the Supreme Court decision that solidified marriage equality in the United States.¹

Last year, I wrote that the thing that I was most grateful for is that Obergefell made life much more boring for the Complimentary Spouse and me.

That sounds terrible, but it’s anything but.²

Before Obergefell, Britt and I were treated differently than other married couples. We could never take it for granted we’d be shown the same dignity and afforded the same rights as opposite-sex spouses. It depended on where we were, what we wanted to do, whom we were talking to, how much money we were spending, and whether Mercury was retrograde.³

It’s emotionally draining. And financially draining, too, when health care and other employer benefits are involved. One of the worst parts was not knowing if we’d be considered spouses or strangers if one of us was taken to the hospital. No one should ever have to live with that fear in the back of their head.

All of those injustices, big and small, made our lives unpredictable. That ended with Obergefell.

The Impact

I can’t begin to describe how groundbreaking and validating the Obergefell decision was. To quote a wise and eloquent man:

No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.
Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy

At the same time, it’s important to recognize all of the small, unremarkable, mundane ways in which the ruling changed the lives of same-sex married couples. To quote an equally wise and eloquent man:⁴

We feel the impact of Obergefell when we file taxes, sign paperwork, and apply for loans. We feel it when we go through customs and immigration at the airport and present our passports together, like any other married couple. We feel it when we’re shopping for auto insurance.
Me

Married life is still exciting and unpredictable.⁵ It has always been that way for Britt and me. But before Obergefell, we faced many shocks, setbacks, and surprises trying to deal with things that should have been mundane. They were constant reminders that our marriage was unequal and undervalued.

Now, those mundane things are just … well … mundane. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Of Course, There Are Footnotes

It is also the ninth anniversary of me learning to spell Obergefell correctly. ↩︎
I’m editing this post now and have just realized I have written essentially the same thing I did a year ago. I’m still going to publish this new one. Hollywood keeps rehashing the same stories, so why can’t I? ↩︎
I wouldn’t be surprised, given all the other random variables we had to deal with. ↩︎
His wisdom and eloquence are matched only by his modesty. ↩︎
Except the times when we can’t agree on a restaurant. It’s not exciting and we end up, predictably, at the same place. ↩︎

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LGBTQ Married Life

🏳️‍🌈 Presentando a Mi Media Naranja

Post author By Dave
Post date June 9, 2024

Britt and Dave on a street covered with umbrellas in San Jose, Puerto Rico

There are two words for husband in Spanish, but I only use one to refer to mi media naranja, the Complimentary Spouse:

Marido.

A few English speakers have tried to tell me that the correct word is esposo.

Really? ¿Cómo te atreves a cuestionarme?

There are two reasons why esposo is not the right word. One is conventional, and the other has to do with same-sex marriage.

This is part of my Gayskool project:
A new LGBTQ-themed post every day for Pride month.

First, marido is the word I’ve always used for husband. Growing up in Madrid, marido y mujer meant husband and wife. No one used esposo y esposa in everyday language. They are formal words, like those you’d find in legal documents.¹

Second, there is no feminine version of marido.²

That’s critical for me because I no longer speak Spanish well. I forget essential words and stumble over verbs all the time. Recently, I couldn’t remember the word for spoon and had to ask for un tenedor para sopa.³ The few times I have said esposo, the person I was talking to assumed I meant esposa. I’d assume the same if I were dealing with someone with the vocabulary and grammar skills of a discombobulated toddler.

With marido, there’s no confusion. People get it right away.

Because of how gender works in Spanish grammar, saying somos esposos is open to interpretation. Most people will assume it refers to an opposite-sex married couple. But somos maridos is unambiguous. It means we’re husbands.

Being out and visible makes a difference, no matter where you are or what language you’re speaking. Not only is marido the right word to use, but it’s also the right word to describe the other half of my orange.

_____
¹ I think American schools teach esposo y esposa because it follows the simple, predictable pattern for pairs of masculine and feminine nouns. I’m talking about simple, well-known words like perro y perra, professor y professora, or cazafantasmo y cazafantasma.

² The word marida exists, but it’s not a noun, and it doesn’t mean wife.

³ Britt says I speak Spanish better than I think I do. On a train from Segovia to Madrid a few years ago, I turned to him and said, “You know, I really wish I could still speak Spanish well.”

“At lunch, you explained Critical Race Theory to the couple next to us,” he said.⁴

“I’m not sure it made sense,” I said. “I probably sounded no smarter than a six-year-old.”

“They clearly understood you,” Britt said. “And a lot people protesting CRT sound no smarter than a six-year-old … in their native language.”

⁴ No, I did not turn to them abruptly and say, “Can you pass the salt and, also, do you want to hear about controversial U.S. social issues?” We struck up a conversation about how great the restaurant was, and we ended up chatting all lunch. They asked about CRT because something was recently on the news in Spain, but they didn’t fully understand it.

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LGBTQ Married Life

🏳️‍🌈 The Big, Boring Impact of Obergefell

Post author By Dave
Post date June 27, 2023

This polite tirade started as a really short LinkedIn post but just kept growing.

Yesterday was the eighth anniversary of the Obergefell v. Hodges decision, which made marriage equality the law of the United States. Looking back at the joyous media coverage in 2015, you’d think the issue was about cake, confetti, and matching tuxedos.

Well, it was. But it really wasn’t. The real legacy of Obergefell is more meaningful — and less exciting — than you can imagine.

Yes, less exciting. Let me explain why:

My husband and I had been married seven years before Obergefell, but our marriage was only recognized in a few states. In our home state, just like at the national level, we had the legal status of roommates. It was confusing and degrading — and also unfair from an economic perspective.

For example, when we tried to add me as a second driver for a rental car in Las Vegas in 2011, the agent said there would be an additional charge. This rental company didn’t charge for spouses, so I said, “We’re married.” Loud enough for everyone to hear, she cruelly clapped back with, “Married? Not in Nevada, the hell you’re not.”¹

I bring this up for two reasons:

That indignation haunts me to this day.
Being charged $10 or $15 a day for an additional driver is an example of the countless economic benefits we were denied but opposite-sex married couples could take for granted.

The economic inequality same-sex couples faced was especially prominent and painful at tax time. Even though we were married, my husband and I couldn’t take advantage of hundreds of federal benefits for married people filing jointly.

For example, as the husband of a university professor, my MBA and other master’s degree should have cost nothing: Free tuition was a perk for spouses of employees. But even though I didn’t have to pay the school a penny for anything except books and parking, I had to pay federal income tax on the full imputed value of the courses I took. That added up to thousands of dollars that an opposite-sex spouse wouldn’t have to pay.

We also had to pay taxes on the healthcare benefits I received when I needed to switch to my husband’s plan. Opposite-sex spouses didn’t have to pay taxes on their healthcare benefits.

The Obergefell decision was about dignity and equality. It’s easy to remember the parties, champagne, and wedding gifts, but I am most grateful for how Obergefell made our lives better in millions of small, mundane ways.

We feel the impact of Obergefell when we file taxes, sign paperwork, and apply for loans. We feel it when we go through customs and immigration at the airport and present our passports together, like any other married couple. We feel it when we’re shopping for auto insurance.

And trust me, we feel it every time we’re at the car rental counter in Las Vegas. Are we married in Nevada? Hell yes we are!

_____
¹ I’m using a skosh of artistic license here. What she said probably wasn’t as loud or nasty, but it certainly made me feel terrible.

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Married Life

The Ninth Wonder of the World!

Post author By Dave
Post date December 18, 2021

The Complimentary Spouse and I put up our Christmas tree last night, and can you guess who our favorite Disney character is? Hint: We call him Jumbo Jr., not the horrible nickname given to him by bullies.

Married Life

Office Space

Post author By Dave
Post date November 12, 2021

We’re having some work done at Camp David today, so I’m camping out in the Complimentary Spouse’s office. It’s a corner office on the third floor. Look past the parking lot and you can see the campus swimming pool. That makes me wonder if Britt is contemplating a transfer from the business school to a different department.

There’s a cool historical marker outside Britt’s office. Before the university was founded, there was a baseball field here. It’s where Babe Ruth hit his longest homer.

Pop inside Britt’s office and you’ll find lots of stuff he has accumulated over the years. These things remind me of how wonderful he is, all the great times we’ve had together, and all the places we’ve visited. Here’s a look at some of my favorite things.

First, here’s a plant we picked up, I think, at the Epcot Flower and Garden Festival a few years ago. He named it Baby Groot.

This rat has been sitting on a windowsill for as long as I can remember. I have no idea why it’s here, but I can only assume that Britt is a big fan of the Black Plague.

Lucy has been to Britt’s office a few times. You’ll find one of her chewed-up Nylabones on a bottom shelf.

This is Britt’s academic robe. It’s what he was wearing when he hugged me when I walked across the stage to receive my MBA diploma. Such a delightful color scheme. Not ugly at all.

Since 2010, Britt has framed the front page of The Tuscaloosa News every time Tide won a national championship. Britt likes to point out that there’s room in his office for a lot more of these.

Wherever Britt travels, he picks up a Hard Rock Cafe shot glass. There are at least a hundred of them now. Britt inspired me to start collecting pins, but I gave it up because who wants to become one of those crazy hoarder people?

Here are some of the many instructor’s editions of textbooks on Britt’s bookshelf.

Of course, when you mention instructor’s editions, my mind automatically goes to the Simpsons.

One of our favorite places in the world is New Zealand. Here are some All Blacks figurines.

Another of our favorite places is Prague, and I love the legend of the Golem. I have a few Golems at home, and Britt has one on display in his office.

Britt once took a group of students to China. When he was there, an artist approached him and showed him this plate he had drawn. Sure, it’s a scheme to separate tourists from their money, but, of course, Britt had to buy it. It’s a little smudged, but Britt is taking a photo.

Lastly, here’s my favorite thing about Britt’s office. I leave little Post-It notes for Britt from time to time, and he keeps them under the glass on his desktop. Here’s one of the notes.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick tour of Britt’s office. Please remember to tip your tour guide.

Married Life

Somebody Alert Ed McMahon

Post author By Dave
Post date November 7, 2021

Is there anything more fun than pretending you’ve misheard your other half?¹ I do this all the time with the Complimentary Spouse, and he seems to enjoy it. In fact, he’s a good sport and goes along with it.

I pretend to mishear him anywhere and anytime I want — even when I’m not wearing a Jacuzzi suit!

Here’s an example from earlier today. We were eating breakfast and Britt, who is coming off a bout of food poisoning, announces, “I think I’m going to stick with the starch food group for a while.”

My response: “The Star Search group?”

He enunciates: “The starch food group.”

Me: “What category?”

Hubs: “Spokesmodel.”

_____
¹ Yes. Duh. But for the sake of this blog post, let’s assume not.

LGBTQ Married Life

Mind Your I’s and E’s

Post author By Dave
Post date October 30, 2021

I just realized I have accidentally called Britt the Complementary Spouse in a few recent posts. This is an error. He is the Complimentary Spouse.

“But, Dave,” I can hear you say.¹ “That’s incorrect grammar. Don’t you have an English degree from a Top 25 university? Who are you, Ralph Wiggum?”

~~How dare you question me, peasant.~~ Those are good points, and I’ve definitely had my share of Wiggumish moments, but let me explain. Long before Britt and I were married — in fact, long before Britt and I could even imagine marriage equality happening — Britt bought a membership at Sam’s Club. When he filled out the form, he was able to add me to the account for free as his “Complimentary Spouse.”

That may seem like a small thing, but it was one of the very first times that an organization recognized us as a couple. Back then, we couldn’t conceive of being spouses due to DOMA and similarly bigoted laws — but at least we could be spouses in the eyes of a retail warehouse club. It was something small, but it was something, and since then, we’ve been each other’s Complimentary Spouses.

_____
¹ No, I can’t. What am I, Superman? You’re nowhere near me. How would I possibly hear you saying that?

LGBTQ Married Life

Anniversary × 2

Post author By Dave
Post date October 29, 2021

When the Complimentary Spouse and I met on October 29, 2002, it was unimaginable that we’d be married one day. So it just seemed natural that we’d celebrate our anniversary on October 29 each year.

Fast forward to 2008. All of a sudden, marriage equality is a reality. Britt and I rushed to California and got married on July 3.

And — voilà! — we have two anniversaries on our calendar. We tend to go all-out for our marriage anniversary, but we still take time to do something special on our first-meeting-aversary.

LGBTQ people have been excluded from social conventions for so long that we’ve had to create many of our own traditions and customs. We’re certainly not the only old¹ gay couple to have two anniversaries. The double anniversary is more than another excuse for extra presents and cake — it’s an invention by the LGBTQ community that proves that things that seem impossible can become reality.

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¹ This means that the relationship is old, not that Britt and I are. We’re young and youthful, dammit.

LGBTQ Married Life

How We Tied the Knot

Post author By Dave
Post date July 3, 2021

The Complimentary Spouse and I tend to crow about our anniversary every year, and there’s a good reason why we’re so excited about it. When we met in 2002, marriage for a same-sex couple was unimaginable. How we got from there to here is an amazing story, one that’s inextricably linked to the modern movement for civil rights and equality.

Let me tell you how it all happened.

Picture it: Los Angeles, 2004. We’re on vacation when we learn San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has just ordered the city to issue same-sex marriage licenses. We seriously discussed flying or driving to San Francisco, only to decide eventually (and somewhat regretfully) that it would be impractical.

All those marriages were eventually annulled.

A few months later, the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality, making same-sex marriage legal there. However, the governor at the time (a guy named Mitt Romney) dug up an obscure law that prevented people from getting married in Massachusetts if they couldn’t legally get married in their home state. It was a shameful law enacted ages ago to prevent interracial marriage, and it was being used again to discriminate.

Our Opportunity Arrives

It was four years later when the California Supreme Court ruled for marriage equality. This time, there was no state law preventing people from other states from getting married. I proposed to Britt in the airport when he returned from a trip with students to Istanbul in the spring. We made plans to get our marriage license in July (we had already made plans to go to San Francisco). However, as you might imagine, the wedding schedule at City Hall was already filled up, and we made tentative plans to return for the wedding itself in August or September.

One day, I checked the wedding schedule at City Hall again and found a single opening — July 3 at 3:45 p.m., the last appointment of the day before Independence Day. There must have been a cancellation. I snagged it immediately. Now we could obtain our license and get married on the same day.

All this time, we didn’t tell anyone about our plans. The marriage equality law didn’t go into effect until June 16, and we were worried that it would be blocked. As July drew closer, our marriage seemed more like a sure thing. With a few days to go, we let six people in on the secret: my mother and father, my brother and sister-in-law, and Britt’s brother and sister-in-law.

We had some problems getting to San Francisco on July 2, but were able to reroute our trip to San Jose and arrive very late. Britt’s brother and sister-in-law picked us up early in the morning and drove us to San Francisco, where my parents had arrived the previous day.

We had lunch on July 3 at a California Pizza Kitchen across from the Westin, where we were staying. In an odd coincidence, Britt ran into a former student there. We took the Muni to City Hall, checked in, filled out the paperwork, and were married in the rotunda near the bust of Harvey Milk. The ceremony lasted about 10 minutes, and partway through, I was so happy I burst out laughing. The officiant declared we were “partners for life,” and we kissed.

I couldn’t stop smiling during the ceremony.

We emailed everyone we knew that evening to share the news. Everyone was ecstatic.

Legal Questions and Complications

That wasn’t the end of our marriage journey, though. Marriage equality had only reached a handful of states, and our home state of Florida wasn’t one of them. Our marriage wasn’t recognized by the federal government, either. In November, voters in both California and Florida said no to marriage equality and enshrined discrimination in their constitutions. (In California, it was eventually decided marriages done before Proposition 8 would not be annulled, but for a few weeks, Britt and I weren’t sure if we would still be married.)

Despite being married, we had the legal standing of roommates. This had real ramifications — for example, paying taxes on my MBA classes at UT, whereas an opposite-sex spouse would not. I don’t remember how much it cost to hire a lawyer to create the documents that would provide some of the legal protections that opposite-sex married couples get automatically.

At a car rental counter in Las Vegas in 2012, we were adding me as an additional driver, and Britt explained that there should be no charge because we were married. The woman behind the counter said, “Not in Nevada, you’re not.”

Our marriage status became something of a game when we traveled. When the plane landed, we’d say, “We’re married here!” or “We’re not married here.”

Society and the Courts Catch Up

Slowly but surely, two things began to happen. First, LGBT advocates began winning court cases that validated marriage equality as the law. Second, public opinion began moving in the right direction. Marriage equality spread from a few states to many. The federal government decided it could no longer stand by the abomination that was the Defense of Marriage Act.

In early 2015, marriage equality came to Florida despite the protestations of our deplorable attorney general, Pam Bondi. And in June 2015, Obegerfell made marriage equality the law of the land.

Today, I don’t give any thought to the fact that Britt and I are a same-sex married couple. Just as it never crossed our mind that we couldn’t get married in 2002, it seems inconceivable today that we wouldn’t be married.

And that, my friends, is why we celebrate our anniversary loudly.

LGBTQ Married Life

🏳️‍🌈 Marriage Equality at Last

Post author By Dave
Post date June 26, 2021

Six years ago today, the Supreme Court ruled for marriage equality in Obergefell v. Hodges. It’s hard to describe to straight people exactly how momentous this was.

This passage is one of the most profound things I have ever read:

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.”
Justice Kennedy

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