My friend said her daughter came up to her a few weeks ago and said, “Alex is a boy now.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“It’s great. He was sad all the time, and now he’s really happy.”

Nothing about this fazed my friend—she’s an ally through and through—but one thing stood out. This happened in fourth grade.

“It seems kids are more aware of gender and pronouns at early ages,” she told me. “Why do you think that is?”

Hmm.

Since my two children have four legs, I don’t really know what kind of conversations take between two humans in fourth grade these days. But my initial reaction was the same as my friend’s—it’s great to see kids living honestly, but isn’t fourth grade a bit young?

Let’s find out.

Gender Studies

Are fourth graders aware of gender? Yes, unequivocally. Around age 2, children are aware of gender. And somewhere around 8½, on average, trans and non-binary children will start exhibiting non-gender-conforming behaviors.¹

That’s around third grade. So there’s nothing out of the ordinary about a trans or binary-student in fourth grade.

But is it out of the ordinary for those students to talk about it? That’s a bit harder to unravel. I can’t give you a definitive yes or no. If you really want an answer, the best I can do is this qualified statement:

It’s probably rare, but more likely to happen today than a few years ago, and it should happen more often.

Explain Your Reasoning

Conversations about gender and pronouns are happening everywhere—even in fourth grade—because people are aware of the issues, understand them, and have the vocabulary to talk about them.

Unless the crackpots are right about fluoride in the water,² there have always been trans and non-binary kids. But you can’t discuss something you don’t understand and don’t have the words to describe?

And, even if you understood and had the words, fear and shame are pretty big motivators for keeping your mouth shut.

Kids—and adults—don’t have to look far to see positive trans and non-binary role models and messages. There are more resources than ever before, and many parents, educators, and medical professionals are supportive.

The converse, sadly, is true. Trans and non-binary kids are an easy target for politically expedient bigotry.³

And, of course, there’s plenty of speculation that kids are doing this because they’re impressionable—they’re doing what their friends are doing, emulating people in the media, or think it’s trendy.

To which I say …

I Don’t Care If It’s a Trend

So what if kids say they’re trans or non-binary because a musician did it? Or because their friends are doing it?

These are kids. Maybe some of them are trying trans or non-binary identities on for size. They’re supposed to go through phases and rebel when they’re young. I’d rather see kids go through a trans phase than a goth phase.

We’ve seen this before. It wasn’t long ago that we were all discussing that people were coming out as gay and lesbian younger. The bigots going after trans and non-binary kids today are using the same exact gameplan they did then: The media is corrupting our impressionable youth! This is a catastrophe! Let’s purge the libraries and scrub lesson plans!

I Know What I’m Talking About

“Ugh, this is your ‘back in my day,’ part, isn’t it?” I hear you groan.

Yes it is. Shut up and read.

When I was in fourth grade, talking about being gay was unimaginable. It’s not just that I was scared to talk about it—it was so inconceivable that the idea never even occurred to me. I was aware of gay issues, of course, but not in a good way—this was during the AIDS crisis.

Perhaps being able to talk about these things in fourth grade would have saved me from decades of depression, internalized homophobia, and self-hatred. I’ve overcome all of these things, but they never really go away, like pasta sauce stains on a plastic container.

My experience isn’t unique. Talk to other LGBTQ people and you’ll hear more about the pain of burying part of yourself for years. I’m not trans or non-binary, but I know the kids who are—and speaking about it in fourth grade—aren’t just breaking down barriers. They’re saving lives.⁴

A Lesson to Take to Heart

I wish I could tell every trans and non-binary kid—actually, every queer kid—to never hide who they are, even if you’ve just learned your times tables. But I can’t—it’s dangerous advice with the potential for disastrous consequences.  

So, instead, let me speak to the adults out there. Make every home, classroom, library, and doctor’s office a place where kids can be themselves without fear of consequences. And push back against anyone who wants to displace and erase queer kids from those spaces.

If you don’t have kids, then do it for Alex.

More Required Reading: the Footnotes

1. Check out HRC’s 2024 Report on the Experiences of Parents of Transgender and Non-Binary Children. ↩︎
2. Spoiler alert: they’re not right. They’re idiots. ↩︎
3. I don’t believe any publicity is good publicity, but all this bigotry is keeping the issue in the popular discourse and forcing people who otherwise wouldn’t have thought about it to choose between empathy and hate. ↩︎
4. That isn’t an exaggeration. Here’s the sobering research from The Trevor Project: Anti-Transgender Laws Cause up to 72% Increase in Suicide Attempts Among Transgender and Nonbinary Youth, Study Shows. ↩︎

Credit Where Credit’s Due

The featured image is a photograph of a mural by Martin Whatson. I took it on December 29, 2019, in the Wynwood area of Miami.