The Man With the Golden Run

I was alone when my car neared the Golden Gate Bridge at quarter to seven last Sunday.

There was no one at the visitors’ center. No one at the coffee shop. And no one in the driver’s seat — I had taken a Waymo, one of the autonomous cars that have become ubiquitous in San Francisco.

Good.

I had come to run across the Golden Gate Bridge at sunrise, and this meant I’d more or less have the place to myself. More than 10 million people visit the bridge annually. That’s thousands of people a day. And they had all decided to sleep in this morning.¹^,²

Arriving in Waymo to Golden Gate Bridge early in the morning. — Waymo got me this far. I’d have to go the rest of the way on foot.

I saw just a handful of people as I headed toward the bridge — and even fewer as I ran across it. For most of my run, it was just me, the bridge, and Karl.

Who’s Karl? I’ll get to that. But first, I have to get to the bridge itself.

A Bridge Not Too Far

It takes a few minutes to walk from the visitors’ center (where Waymo dropped me off) to the southern end of the bridge. The sun had yet to rise, but the sky brightened quickly — compare the photo below with the one above, which was taken less than five minutes earlier! The bridge was still lit up and had begun to glow in the early twilight.

On my way to the bridge. — People have written poems, songs, and essays about the beauty of the Golden Gate Bridge. I just took a selfie. I didn’t have a pen on me.

Time to get running!

The South Tower — The plaque on the south tower recognizes all of the people and organizations that helped design and build the bridge. It does not, as commonly believed, mention that the bridge was the site of the final battle between James Bond (Roger Moore) and Max Zorin (Christopher Walken) at the end of “A View to a Kill.” But who the hell cares about that? It was a pretty bad film. The best thing about it was the Duran Duran song. And, seriously, you’re gonna hire Grace Jones as a villain and not let her camp things up? And give her a boring name like “May Day”? C’mon, what were you thinking!? Let that woman chew the scenery, goddamnit! She’s a fucking icon.³

Checking out the cables and suspension rope about halfway across the bridge. — I’m holding up one of the suspender ropes, which is supported by one of the two main cables, which are connected to both towers and foundations. Therefore, by the transitive property, I am strong enough to hold up the Golden Gate Bridge.

At the North Tower — I didn’t see a placard of any type on the north tower. Perhaps they’ll put one here in 2286, as it’s near the spot where Admiral James T. Kirk and other members of the Enterprise crew will crash into the bay (in a stolen Klingon Bird of Prey) and release George and Gracie, two whales (also stolen!) from 1986 to prevent an alien probe from destroying our planet.

Moonset over the Marin Headlands — The moon sets over the Marin Headlands. The moon, like the Golden Gate Bridge, has been the setting for quite a few movies — but, ironically, not “Moonstruck,” “Moonraker,” or “Moonlight.” Fun fact: Many of the films and teevee shows that appear to take place on the moon were, in fact, shot right here on Earth! Perhaps the moon should do a better job with its film and television tax incentive programs. If Georgia can figure that stuff out, why can’t the moon?

Enter Karl

Chicago’s fog comes in on little cat feet. San Francisco’s sneaks up on you like a ninja — you don’t even know it’s coming until it’s right on top of you.

Also, the fog is named Karl.⁴^,⁵^,⁶

When I reached the turnaround point (where the bridge meets Marin County), I reversed direction and saw that Karl had devoured San Francisco. That sneaky, ravenous bitch. He wasn’t there just a few moments earlier! All of San Francisco’s architectural and cultural landmarks were gone: Transamerica Pyramid, Coit Tower, Salesforce Tower, and that store that sells left-handed frisbees at Pier 39. Nearly a million people — even the left-handed frisbee players! — had been subsumed by the fog.

I found the whole thing disconcerting. Oh, not the fog part. The frisbee part. Who needs a left-handed frisbee? It works the same no matter which hand you use. Sheesh. C’mon, people!

Fog occurs naturally when air near the ground cools and its moisture condenses into tiny droplets. It is not at all created by our mighty space laser, which can also ignite forests and form hurricanes. Um, I meant to say that our laser can’t do the forest and hurricane stuff. Ugh, I meant that there is no laser. Whew. I almost got caught there.

Karl and I decided to mug it up for the camera. Well, I did the mugging. Karl just hung out, doing whatever fog does when it hangs out. You can swipe through these photos to experience the ~~Three Faces of Eve~~ Five Faces of Dave.

A Man With a Span

Sunrise didn’t bring out any more visitors. To co-opt a phrase by Hedley Lamarr, instead of coming to see the Golden Gate Bridge, people were staying away in droves.⁷

Dave checks out the Golden Gate Bridge — It’s a good idea to periodically look over your shoulder in case someone tries to sneak up on you and steal your codes to the secret space laser. Which doesn’t exist, of course.

Running south on the bridge — I hear you saying, “Hey, if you’re by yourself, how did you get this photo? Have you been lying all along about being alone? And does that mean you’re lying about the space laser too?” Calm down, sweetie. I got this photo by resting my phone against a railing, framing the shot with my Apple Watch, pressing the self-timer, taking a burst of photos, repeating this process several times, and praying I’d get at least one good picture. I didn’t have to use the space laser. Which, as you remember, does not exist. Got it?

Beneath the South Tower of the Golden Gate Bridge — Bird’s-eye view photos are so two-thousand-and-late. All the cool kids are taking worm’s-eye view photos.

The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning

I finished up exactly where I started, which is what tends to happen when you run in a straight line and turn around halfway through. Behind me was the bridge, Marin County, and Karl. To my left, the scenic path back to the visitors’ center. Ahead, the snack bar where I would soon sit down with a latte and scone.

Reaching the south end of the bridge — I made the morning last and, now, ba da-da da-da da-da, I’m feeling groovy. Oh, wait, that’s about a different bridge. Sorry.

Posing in front of the bridge after my run — Tip o’ the hat to Karl.

Posing in front of the bridge, which is peeking through the fog. — I arrived at this spot, which overlooks Fort Point and the bridge, just as a photographer with an expensive-looking SLR camera was leaving. She had taken time-lapse photos of the fog rolling in. She didn’t mind taking a few non-time-lapse photos of me.

The bridge partially covered in fog — Thanks to Karl, the south tower is in shadow and the north tower is in sunlight. It was at this point, while admiring the beautiful juxtaposition of nature and human ingenuity, I decided to get some coffee.

Golden Gate Bridge in fog. — Having consumed caffeine and carbs, I’m ready to roll out. But the fog continues to roll in.

Waymo vehicle — I went all the way over the Golden Gate Bridge. Then I came all the way back. Then I ordered a Waymo. And, much more than this, I did it my way.

By the Numbers

Distance: 3.25 miles (26 furlongs)
Elevation gain: 190 feet (58 meters)
Temperature: 46°F (8° C)
Cost to build the Golden Gate Bridge in 1933: $35 million (not adjusted for inflation)
Cost to buy a latte and scone at the Golden Gate Bridge in 2024: $11.50 (not adjusted for inflation)

Everybody Loves Footnotes

Just like my guided tour in Prague a few months ago. ↩︎
Has anyone claimed the phrase “sneaker tourism”? If not, I call dibs. ↩︎
Did you notice that the title of this post refers to another Bond film? ↩︎
I told you we’d get to Karl, didn’t I? ↩︎
My friend Craig said Karl didn’t have a name till 2010, when someone anonymously created a Twitter account for him. (That is, created a Twitter account for the fog, not my friend.) You can follow Karl on Instagram. ↩︎
Yeah, Karl gets three footnotes. What of it? ↩︎
The original quote, “Instead of the people leaving, they’re staying in droves,” is from “Blazing Saddles,” the film Mel Brooks made three years before “High Anxiety,” which has a scene filmed at — wait, you guessed it! — the Golden Gate Bridge. ↩︎