Month: June 2021

Bars and nightclubs have played an important role in LGBTQ history, and it’s no surprise that the Stonewall Riots started in a bar and not, say, a coffeehouse, store, or library. For many, many years, bars and nightclubs were pretty much the only safe spaces where LGBTQ people could congregate with each other, openly, without fear of being scorned, beaten, or worse. (Let’s not pretend things were perfect, though. Police raids could be devastating, especially for the innocent people who were rounded up and charged with crimes.)

Today, LGBTQ people are more accepted in society, and we have many more meeting places than ever before. And technology allows us to connect in ways unimaginable just a decade or two ago. But bars and nightclubs are still seen as safe spaces. That’s why the Pulse Massacre in Orlando was so devastating — it’s not just that LGBTQ people and allies were murdered in cold blood, but it occurred somewhere LGBTQ people were supposed to be insulated from hatred. Rest in Power.

I forgot to post something yesterday because the Complimentary Spouse were on vacation. Can you guess where we are?

FYI, you’ll be proud to note that Disney has gone all-in on LGBTQ Pride. Years ago, the company was quick to point out that things like Gay Days weren’t official Disney-sponsored events. Today, the company includes LGBTQ characters in its programming (check out “Out” on Disney+ ASAP!) and is plastering rainbows on nearly everything in the gift store.

The terminology for LGBTQ people can be a bit confusing. That’s because it’s always evolving. Here are some pointers from me.

Gay: Use this as an adjective. “The gay men looked fabulous” is correct. “The gays looked fabulous” is not.

Lesbian: Use as a noun or an adjective. In the past, lesbians might have referred to themselves as gay, but I haven’t seen an example of that in many years. (You might remember Ellen’s “Yep, I’m Gay” cover on Time — that was in the ‘90s.)

Homosexual: Never use, unless you’re directly quoting something. Since this term sounds clinical, anti-LGBTQ forces usually use it to make LGBTQ people sound like they have a medical condition.

Trans or transgender: Use it as an adjective (like “gay”). “Transgender people want equal rights” is correct. “Transgenders want equal rights” is not. Trans sounds better and is more commonly used today. Unless you are given explicit permission, and it’s incredibly relevant, don’t mention a trans person’s deadname (i.e., the name they had before they transitioned).

LGBT, LGBTQ, and LGBTQ+: They’re all good. I used to use LGBT, but now I’m in the LGBTQ camp. Use it as an adjective. “LGBTQ people come in all shapes and sizes” is correct. “LGBTQs come in all shapes and sizes” is not.

Gay marriage: Nope! It’s marriage. Sticking a modifier in front of it makes it sound like it’s not the same as anyone else’s marriage. If you want me to slap you hard — hard enough to leave a mark — say “Dave and Britt got gay married in 2008.”

Pronouns: If you don’t know which ones to use, just ask. Britt and I are both he/his/him.

Sexual orientation: It’s never, never, never “sexual preference,” which implies choice. This is another forbidden phrase that will earn you a slap.

Bisexual: I could go either way (ha ha ha!) on bisexual being a noun, but it’s always acceptable as an adjective. Bi is always an adjective.

What did I forget? Let me know.

One of the stereotypes about gay men has to do with their speaking voices. (Think David Sedaris, Paul Lynde, Quentin Crisp, Liberace, and a whole bunch of Disney animated villains.) It’s often called the “gay lisp,” but I think it’s not really a lisp. To me, it sounds like a lilt, combined with a bit of a twang, some crisp consonants, and a bit of a musical cadence. It’s kind of hard to describe — but you definitely know it when you hear it.

Where does this voice come from? To be honest, I’ve never heard a good explanation. But filmmaker David Thorpe put out an excellent documentary a few years ago called “Do I Sound Gay?” I highly recommend it. Thorpe is embarrassed by his speaking voice, and looks into reasons why it’s there and possible ways to eliminate it. By the end of the film, Thorpe is more accepting of his voice.

The sad fact is that many gay men, like Thorpe, are ashamed of their voices, and will go to great lengths to suppress it. In Hollywood, there are vocal coaches that specialize in helping people sound less gay.

I, for one, hope the gay speaking voice never disappears. Ever hear a straight person say “yass qween”? Ugh. Just no.

In 1990, the groundbreaking documentary “Paris Is Burning” was released. It was an intimate look at the ball scene in New York — a place where marginalized LGBTQ people (mainly of color) would compete for trophies in fashion-inspired categories. The takeaway for me was that people who are cast out of their own families and communities will create their own families and communities. The Madonna hit “Vogue” is based on the ball scene. So is the FX series “Pose.” And every gay catchphrase you’ve ever heard, including those on RuPaul’s Drag Race, probably originated in ball culture. Okurr, gurl?

During Pride Month, major companies wrap themselves in rainbows, march in parades, and proclaim their commitment to equal rights. This hasn’t always been the case.

There are many stories of companies discriminating against LGBTQ people in the past. Let’s look at one infamous company.

In the ’80s, Delta Airlines gained a reputation for discriminating against gay men. In 1985, the company prohibited anyone with HIV or AIDS from flying with them. (Delta eventually backed down and apologized.)

In 1987, after a deadly crash, the airline claimed in court that it shouldn’t have to compensate the full amount for one of the passengers killed because, since he was gay, he probably had AIDS. That is, they claimed, he wouldn’t have lived as long as the other dead passengers. (Delta eventually backed down and apologized.)

Also, in 1987, on a flight filled with people returning from the Lesbian and Gay March on Washington, the flight crew put on rubber gloves when they collected items from any men and women who appeared to be gay or lesbian. This was reported, ironically, by two straight men. (Delta eventually … you see the pattern, right?)

Delta’s bigotry was reported in the Washington Post. You can see the article from 1987 here.

Things are much different today. In fact, Delta gets a perfect 100 score on the Human Rights Campaign’s Corporate Equality Index. It’s a reminder of how quickly Corporate America went from being our enemies to our friends — and a reminder that even the most repulsive people can redeem themselves.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) was the horribly misguided policy that allowed lesbian, gay, and bisexual people to serve in the U.S. military as long as they didn’t disclose their sexual orientation. President Bill Clinton introduced the policy as a sort of compromise between forces advocating for and against lesbian, gay, and bisexual people in the military. DADT went into effect in 1994 and was mercifully ended by President Obama in 2011.

The issue isn’t dead yet, though. The service members who were dishonorably discharged under DADA aren’t receiving the benefits they rightfully earned in the military.

LGBTQ representation in government is getting better, and that’s thanks to trailblazers like Tammy Baldwin (D-WI).

In 1998, Baldwin became the first openly lesbian woman elected to Congress. In 2012, she became the first openly LGBTQ person in the Senate.

Baldwin has never hidden her sexual orientation. “I think that that integrity is something that is important to voters,” she has said.

(You might want to know why I use the word openly as a qualifier when I describe Baldwin’s career. There were indubitably LGBTQ people in national politics before Baldwin, but they were in the closet.)

GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network) was created in 1990 to promote LGBT issues in kindergarten, elementary, middle, and high schools. It supports students and teachers. GLSEN is best known for helping schools form and sustain Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) clubs. Some administrations and parents are so vehemently hateful against GSAs that they have ended all after-school clubs at their schools rather than allow for the GSAs to operate. GLSEN sponsors the Day of Silence each year.

Sexual Behavior in the Human Male shocked the world when it was published in 1948 by Alfred Kinsey. It said 10% of the male population was gay and more than one third of men had had at least one gay sexual experience. The report also gave us the Kinsey Scale, which put sexuality on a spectrum.

As you can imagine, the book was controversial at the time. So was the companion book, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, published five years later. Today, many people say his research methods were flawed, but there’s no doubt that he played an important role in society’s understanding of lesbian, gay, and bi people.

FYI: There is a drag a capella group called the Kinsey Sicks. Check ‘em out. They are hilarious.