“That’s Not Who I Am”

Out: “Top Golfer, Justin Thomas, Uses ‘Inexcusable’ Homophobic Slur”

Ever notice that anytime something like this happens, the first response is “that’s not who I am.” Actually, it is who you are. Your character is revealed by what you do when you think no one’s listening, not when you’re in the spotlight with a mic pressed into your face.


Hypocrisy in 17 Syllables

A haiku:

“We want unity!”
Say the folks whose T-shirts said,
“Trump: Fuck your Feelings.”

Four Questions

I Love the Smell of the Four Questions in the Morning

What is Dave wearing today? Dave is currently wearing a Buccaneers T-shirt, gray sweatpants (because he’s classy), and blue socks with pictures of cassettes on them.

How does Dave feel today? Dave is sluggish.

What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood today? Dave hasn’t had coffee yet.

How is Dave adjusting to his gluten-free, dairy-free lifestyle? Dave would kill you all for a piece of chicken Parmesan.

Entertainment Sportsball

Who Lives in a Pineapple and Throws a TD?

Unlike the Complimentary Spouse, I’m something of a passive sports fan. I enjoy soccer, football, hockey, baseball, and more, but I don’t follow every single goal, touchdown, and home run. It’s not surprising to find me playing with my phone, only partially paying attention, while a game is on teevee.

Tonight, I saw a sports revelation. The Bears-Saints game was broadcast on Nickelodeon — yes, the kids’ channel best known for Spongebob Squarepants — and I loved every second. The announcers didn’t dumb the game down, but they made sure everyone could follow the action. That made the game fun and engaging for everyone, not just the die-hard sports fans who memorize every stat, know every rule, and remember every player’s name. The commentary was entertaining and the graphics were amusing. It was refreshing. It was a blast. 

Based on what I’ve seen on Twitter, a lot of people agree with me. I hope someone at ViacomCBS (Nickelodeon’s parent company) pays attention to all the positive feedback. I want some of the fun elements I saw today to make their way into mainstream football broadcasts. 

Current Events

Some Thoughts About Parler and Free Speech

You won’t find many people more outspoken about free speech than me. And that’s why I’m going to call bullshit on everybody who’s crying foul over Parler’s removal from Google Play, the Apple App Store, and Amazon Web Services.

The First Amendment is very specific. It says the government can not restrict “the freedom of speech, or of the press.” It doesn’t say that organizations cannot moderate what they publish or distribute. In fact, the First Amendment makes a very compelling argument that Google, Apple, and Amazon have the right to decide what apps, data, and information can be shared on their platforms. 

Think about it this way: If organizations were beholden to the same First Amendment rules as the government, then any company would be obligated to publish or distribute anything that anyone submits. In that case, look for my weekly recaps of RuPaul’s Drag Race in The Daily Stormer. (Even better, let’s ask PornHub to run ads in Highlights for Children.)

The Supreme Court has set something of a precedent with Hurley v. Irish-American Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Group of Boston in 1995. It said that the organizers of the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Boston had the right to exclude groups that didn’t align with their mission or message.

Curation, I submit, is a First Amendment right.

Since this clearly isn’t a First Amendment issue, let me state incontrovertibly what’s happening here. Parler is facing the consequences of violating the terms and conditions it agreed to with Google, Apple, and Amazon. I haven’t read any of these contracts, but I can guarantee that these three tech companies have said their app stores and web hosting services cannot be used to promote violence. Since this is exactly what happened, and Parler appears to make no effort to monitor its content and remove offending posts, they are merely facing the consequences.

Parler is certainly not the first example of a company getting booted like this. In 2018, Tumblr’s app was kicked off Apple’s App Store because the company did not filter out pornography. This violated the terms and conditions. Goodbye, Tumblr.

Let me make a few more points:

  • These decisions do not put Parler out of business. They just mean Parler isn’t welcome at Google, Apple, and Amazon. There is absolutely nothing restricting them from continuing operations with another web hosting service.
  • Anyone who compares this to Nineteen Eighty-Four clearly hasn’t read the book. That’s double-plus ignorant.
  • The gay wedding cake comparisons I’ve heard are specious at best, and intellectually dishonest at worst. Google, Apple, and Amazon are kicking Parler to the curb because of what it has done. Bigot bakers are refusing service because of who the customers are. The better analogy (which I’ve seen on Twitter) is that this is akin to a bar kicking out customers because they started a fight.

Where the Hell Has Dave Been?

Here are some possible explanations:

  • In the Witness Protection Program
  • Turned into a newt; had no fingers
  • Busy earning his Ph.D. in Parapsychology
  • On hold for Zune customer support
  • Living in a van down by the river

What Do I Need to Know About Dave’s Mustache?

It’s all explained here.

Four Questions

The Four Questions Are Back, so Our National Nightmare Is Over

What is Dave wearing today? Dave is currently wearing gray sweatpants, a Star Wars T-shirt, and Basquiat socks.

How does Dave feel today? Dave is quite excited.

What are the factors affecting Dave’s mood today? Dave is relaunching The Daily Dave, just for the hell of it. Today, more than ever, the world needs to know what Dave is thinking.

What has changed since the last time The Daily Dave was published? Dave lost a ton of weight, adopted a second dog, grew a pornstache, and ran four 10Ks. I think that brings everyone up to date.


Welcome Back From This Basic Bitch

20 GOTO 10