Up a Tree and On the Rocks

Joshua Tree National Park is built on lies.

First, those things aren’t trees. “We’re actually yucca plants,” they told me.

Second, none of them are named Joshua. “We’re all named William,” they said.

And, third, the park had virtually nothing to do with U2’s The Joshua Tree. “Bono didn’t give us royalties or anything,” the plants said. ”Who’s the real prick?”

I’m checking out the Hidden Valley Trail, not far past a huge caution sign that says “Do Not Die Today.” I hadn’t planned on doing so, but thanks for the reminder.

Did the plants really talk to me in Joshua Tree? Of course not. I’m making the whole thing up. Did you already forget that I put “built on lies” in the very first sentence of this post?

And yet … if talking plants exist anywhere, it’s probably somewhere as magical as here. There’s definitely a surreal, otherworldly vibe in the park. It’s hard to describe, difficult to explain, and impossible to capture in photos—but let’s try anyway.

Not Climbing My Way to the Top

Joshua Tree National Park is a mecca for rock climbers, with thousands of climbing routes. There’s something for everyone, even a beginner like me!

You can imagine my relief when I learned that climbing was banned because of high winds when I was there. Klutzes like me should never tempt fate. The National Park Service was saving me from the embarassment of chickening out.

With climbing off limits, I did the next best thing—a steep walk to the top of a rock formation on the Hidden Valley Trail. As you may recall, I disdain hills but love the views.

I wasn’t disappointed.

Woo-hoo, I made it *mostly* to the top. Actually, I could have gone a little higher (to where the photographer was), but the last bit was steep and uneven. I had already tempted fate by getting this far.

A lot of rock formations look engineered, even though they formed naturally. When I asked the guide about it, he said that someone once told him that Joshua Tree National Park is where the aliens came to practice before building the pyramids.

Making It up as I Go Along

Lots of the rocks, rock formations, and other things in Joshua Tree have nicknames, but I can’t remember what they were, so I’ve just made up my own.

**The Star Trek Shuttlecraft:** Hey, you can’t beam everywhere!

**The Trash Panda Mask:** Probably not the inspiration for the Beatles’ “Rocky Raccoon.”

**The Exogorph:** Leia: “The cave is collapsing!” Han: “That’s no cave!”

**The Accident Waiting to Happen:** This rock (officially named Cap Rock) can only defy gravity for so long, which is one of many reasons to avoid the pit toilet underneath it.

**The Poodle**: I swear this park is going to the dogs.

A Lookout and a Look Back

I ended my trip to Joshua Tree at Keys View, which overlooks the Coachella Valley. You can make out the San Andreas Fault, which is famous for its starring role in the first Superman movie. I suppose it’s notable for other reasons, too.

Palm Springs, located somewhere behind me, is *the* place to go if you’re old, gay, and rich. I’m not allowed there because I only meet the first two qualifications.

And, to end this blog post, here’s a video recap of my Joshua Tree adventure. Enjoy!